Dutch

Dear Bike Trolls

Thank you for bringing me my new bike; my dream style of bike, a Dutch bike, but also thank you for its arrival in such an easy and timely manner and for the sum of only £95. Thank you also for the dynamo, working gears and brakes, and a basket that looks like a birds nest.

One final thing, please can you give us a safe passage;
-keep us safe from people opening their car doors without looking
-help us avoid left turning lorries
-stop tourists and impatient people stepping into the bike lane/side of the road
-stop thieves
-stop vans parking in the cycle lane
-please keep us safe from boy racers and posh women in SUVs
-please please give the bus drivers a ‘good day’ so that they will not go up 1 foot behind us or purposefully squeeze us into the pavement/side of another bus or move away as we are passing them.

In return I will apply oil when needed, pump the tires often and pay a nice man to fix things if anything goes wrong. I also promise to always obey the rules of the road and to never cycle across a pedestrian crossing, never cycle on the pavement, never go through a red light, never go the wrong way down a one way street and to always signal which way I am going to turn. And to always have my lights on after dark.

Thank you.